Celebrating life

I have never written about my mother-in-law's health problems on my blog. I think it was out of respect for her privacy, and to avoid her seeing my thoughts and feelings about what was going on. I don't know that she ever visited my blog, but there was always the possibility.

My mother-in-law was diagnosed with dermatomyositis in 2002. It's a rare degenerative skin and muscle disease. In 2003, she found out she had breast cancer. The dermatomyositis had masked the disease, a mastectomy was not an option for her. The cancer was in her lymphnodes as well, but seemed to be slow progressing. She's endured several different treatments and a lot of physical pain and suffering the last several years. In November of last year, Pam was having difficulty breathing and was hospitalized at the Huntsman Cancer Institute the week of Thanksgiving. The cancer had spread to her lungs. She began more aggressive treatment right away.

On December 2nd, the day we found out we were expecting twins, we went to her house to share the news. Pam had a tendency to not take care of herself like she should and Aaron decided to take advantage of the opportunity to tell her to listen to her doctors so that she could be around for the twins. The cancer in her lungs miraculously cleared up within a couple of months. Her health was not good though and we watched as more and more problems and complications popped up. I often wondered if she would make it to see the babies. She was determined to be here for there birth. She fought a good fight!

Pam was hospitalized for several days at a time on four separate occassions in the month of May. She was home when the babies were born, but was having a very difficult time getting around. She was unable to drive herself, and the twins were in the NICU. My first visit with the girls was Thursday afternoon, May 25th. We arranged for Pam to come up to the hospital with her mom that same afternoon. Pam was able to see Cami and Brie for about half an hour before her fatigue caught up to her. She didn't get up to the NICU again before she was hospitalized on Tuesday, May 30th. I had been home from the hospital 2 days and the babies were in the middle of their stay at the NICU. Fortunately the hospital that Pam was at was just minutes from where the girls were. We found out on Wednesday, May 31st, that she only had a short time left. The cancer had spread to several organs and she wasn't going to be able to pull out of it this time. Our hearts were so heavy.

The following days were hectic, finding sitters for Maddie so that I could spend several hours with the girls at the NICU while Aaron spent time with his mom. Pam was heavily medicated to ease her pain but that left her incoherent and a little loopy at times. She was fighting so hard to have the opportunity to hold the twins. We tried to coordinate a visit to the NICU, both hospitals were willing to accomodate that but Pam's health just wasn't good enough for it to happen. Cami and Brie seemed to be well enough to be released from the hospital but there were a few hiccups. We were hoping they could be discharged so that we could take them to see Pam. It seems that everything that Pam had gone through treatment wise the last 5 months of her life was to allow her to be here to see the babies. It's amazing how much that determination allowed her to triumph. Cami was finally discharged on Monday, June 5th, the same day that Pam was taken to her mom's house for hospice care. What a bittersweet day that was. Because of all the things we had to do at the NICU to take Cami home, we decided to wait until Tuesday morning to take Cami to see Pam.

Tuesday morning we took Cami to see her. She seemed to be coherent and was thrilled beyond words to be able to finally hold her. She showered Cami with kisses and sweet "grandma" adorations. My heart aches as I think about that encounter. It's the last time that I remember being with Pam. I thought at that moment of all the things that she would miss and all of the things my girls would miss out on with their grandma being gone. I do have to say that it was an incredibly sweet, spiritual moment, seeing two lives so fragile together like that. The promise of what lies in store for my sweet baby and the quiet peace that I saw in Pam as she was finishing up a life well lived.

Brie was finally strong enough to come home on June 8th. Aaron got a phone call that morning that his mom's breathing pattern had changed and he should get to the house as soon as possible. He headed to his grandma's while I made arrangements for Maddie so that I could get up to the NICU to pick up Brie. We were hopeful that Pam would hold on long enough to hold Brie. My mom came with me to the hospital. As I was pulling into the parking lot I got the phone call from Aaron that his mom had passed away.

The next several days are a bit of a blur. We were not only adjusting to having the twins at home, we were making funeral arrangements, tracking down estate documents, and grieving. Nothing in my life had prepared me for how to deal with all of it. We are so very blessed to be surrounded with a huge support network of family and friends. It made everything a little easier to swallow. We put one foot in front of the other and did what had to be done. In many ways, almost three months later, we are still doing this. I suppose that's how you get through many of life's events. I just hope that when I look back at this time that I will remember more than just going through the motions.